Reasons
by Luthien Luinwe
Summary: "If you're reading this, I'm already dead." A committed suicide, and everyone is left wondering why. Unluckily enough for them, he's left behind letters detailing why he chose to end his own life.
1. Chapter 1

**Trigger-Warning: Suicide.**

 **One**

If you're reading this, then I'm certain I'm already dead. You'll have found my body hanging from the attic rafters, lifeless, maybe already cold. And, if you're reading this, you're all asking a very important question: why?

Why would A kill himself? He was so bright. He was first in line. He had so many friends. Why?

As with many things in life, there is no one answer. No, nothing can singularly explain that which I have done. So let me break it down to you. Look. See the extra papers? Of course you do. You're the world's brightest detectives in training, aren't you? Count them. Figure it out for yourself.

Or don't. I don't really care.

But I won't waste any more of your time. No, not today. Sweet, quiet little A isn't so sweet and quiet anymore. So let's get started. And Quillsh Wammy? I'm not even sure where to begin with you.

I like to think you weren't always this way, that at one point you maybe did have a heart. After all, you had to have to have adopted L, right? He was only a child, maybe three or four. Granted, I suppose all of us were that way when you found us. I like to think you didn't see him as a tool. That you saw him as a scared little kid in need of a loving home, one you didn't provide for him. One you didn't provide for any of us.

Did you know he would be the world's greatest detective? Did you know he'd be as smart as he turned out to be? Well you had to have. Otherwise you wouldn't have put him through so much studying, so many days without sleep, so much pressure. You wouldn't have adopted any of us to be backups for him, now would you?

I was five when my parents were killed. I was five when you found me. I was five the last time I had any hope in the human race. You said you were there to help me. You tested me. You said I scored well enough to be taken in by you. You took my name away. You called me Alternate, sometimes A. I did nothing but study and study and study. I cracked everything you gave me. And still I would never be good enough to be the great L.

And we were all like that, weren't we? Living in a shadow of a man we barely knew. Living in a shadow of a reputation, something some would doubt even existed. I can only imagine what you put him through.

But I wasn't alone for long. No, you brought me a friend, a Backup to the Alternate. And you pitted us against each other, told us only one could succeed the great L in the future.

Were you always this cold and secretive, Watari, as you're known to the public now? Have you always viewed children as nothing more than tools to obtain the goals you have? But why would you? You get none of the credit. Oh no, that all goes to L. So why do it then? Why give us a glimmer of hope only to take it away? Why pit us against one another? Why take our names?

I guess I'll never know. It's likely those there now will never know either. I only hope it was L or Roger or you who found me. Because Mello, Near, Linda, and Matt? They don't need that. They've already been screwed over enough just by being brought here by you. And Backup? We know he's walking a fine line. We know he's a second away from snapping.

And this might be what finally undoes him.

You should blame yourself for that one too.


	2. Chapter 2

Still reading?

Of course you are. You can't stand not knowing the answer, can you L? Of course not. That's all your life's been made of. That's all any of our lives are made out of.

Of course, I can't completely blame you for how you are. We all know we're brainwashed from the time we're brought in here. But you just had to be so damn good at everything, didn't you? You had to be so damn good that a plan B was needed in case something happened to you. And you know what L? I admired you. I wanted to be you. I worshiped you.

We all did.

And maybe you didn't ask for it. Maybe you did. It doesn't really matter anymore, does it?

I was one of the few people lucky enough to meet you. From the start, I thought you were odd. Can you blame me? Maybe I should have known then what I had been dragged into. Maybe then I could have run far, far away. I could have begged to have been sent anywhere else. I should have begged to be sent anywhere else.

But you introduced yourself.

And by then you'd already entered the rankings of the world's greatest detectives and the world's greatest minds. I was intrigued, no fascinated. I wanted to learn everything I could about you. I wanted to learn your secrets. I wanted to learn your strategies. You were my hero, L. Or so I thought. It's amazing how naive young minds could be. How we see the world through rose-colored glasses. i wish I could go back in time and rip them off my face.

I spent my life trying to live up to you. I worked hard. I read and I read and I read. I played those stupid logic games. I solved mock cases. Hell, I even looked at some case files to see if we'd get to the same conclusion. Sometimes we did, sometimes we didn't. I adored you. I wanted to be you.

And yet somehow I was never going to be good enough. I was smart, oh so very smart, but that only amounts to part of it, now doesn't it? I was going to be you. I was ahead of B. I made my best friend hate me so that I could be at the top, so that I could be you.

Was it worth it?

Of course not.

Let me tell you something, L. You're nothing. You're a name the public uses to feel safe. You're an image. A symbol. That's it. The world doesn't need you. It got by well enough before you, and it will get on well enough after you're gone. Or maybe it won't.

I'm gone now, and that leaves B.

And you and I both know B will never be allowed to have the kind of power associated with your name.

Who will it be, then? Mello? Matt? Near? Linda? Oh, but I'm sure your precious Wammy's House will only fuck them up as much as B and myself. They'll snap too. Just you watch.

L? You can go to hell.

Everyone would be better off for it.


	3. Chapter 3

I was so happy when I heard about another child being brought on. Finally, I would have someone to communicate with, to learn from. Finally I was going to have a friend.

And I did for awhile.

But friendship at Wammy's House can never last long. No. Only one of us would be able to become the next L, should anything happen to him before anything happened to us. You can't have friends here. No. Only enemies. Rivals. People standing in your way.

The pressure got to you first, didn't it B? You had been so kind to me in the beginning, until you realized what was going on. We hadn't been brought to Wammy's to be friends, brothers even. We were brought there to be rivals. I assume Watari had intended for this to bring out the best in our young minds. Instead, though, it brought out the worst.

You got close to me. You learned my secrets, my loves, my fears. And slowly but surely, you used those things against me. You got into my head, B. Was it because you thought I was smarter than you? I scored better on every test. Or are you really as messed up as you seem now?

I ignored your little mind games at first. But, like everything, they slowly got to me. They undid me. You played me, and I fell right into your little game.

Maybe I should blame myself.

Maybe I should have resisted.

Maybe I should have fought back.

Well guess what, Backup? I'm gone now. You win. You're first in line. Or at least you will be until everyone else realizes what I already know. You're unstable. You're impulsive. And you'll never be L.

Maybe we were never intended to be in the running. Maybe we were destined to fail. Maybe we were used as experiments to figure out what to do and what not to do with any future Wammy's House children. Maybe we were just a controlled experiment that got out of control.

God only knows what you're going to do now.

I'm so fucking done with all of this. The competition. The pressure. The hatred.

I can only hope none of the others end up like this. Though I'm not expecting a miracle.

Good luck finding a new successor, L.

I'm done.


End file.
